Dude, you goin' to that Shamus McNasty Show at Clearview?

So what in the name of fuck is up with the Dallas Music Fest (just look at all these awesome bands like Drowning Pool!)? Maybe there are some good bands playing that we don't know about, but other than Eat Avery's Bones we didn't recognize a single one that we like. As if Deep Ellum didn't have a bad enough rap as it is, these people had to go and schedule a frat boy Nu Metal daterape crapfest right in the heart of a neighborhood that doesn't need any more shit than it already has. So instead of putting in the work and listening to these bands to figure out if any are actually worth going to see, we've decided to go through the list of performers and decide what some of them probably sound like anyway, without the whole listening to them thing. Here are some thoughts:

1. Deus Ex Machina: The lead singer got kicked out of UNT, where he majored in literature and Chillin', after they found out he cheated on his SAT. He quoted some greek drama one time at a party and got a hand job, so he was like "fuck it dude, I'm startin a band. Dues Ex Machina forever motherfucker!"

2. Strangleweed: These guys will kick your ass if you short them on a sack

3. Shiver Tree: Have you ever thought about seasons, and how they affect your feelings? These guys have

4. Shallow Promise: The best way to deal with the memory of that really horrible time in your life where your dad made you transfer to Plano West from Plano Senior is to SCREAM ABOUT IT AND PLAY POWER CHORDS!

5. Chasing February: These guys... oh, fuck it. Emo bands are too easy.

JR